“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Every little one gets asked this question, but the answers that girls give change over time as stereotypes set in and confidence erodes. An OECD Study found that gender norms are in place as early as 5 years old. The study found that boys will choose traditional male dominated professions while girls are more apt to select caring professions for their career goals. For example, the most popular career choice among five-year-old girls was that of a teacher, while the boys chose to be a police officer. The careers girls looked toward involved more protective, helping or caring roles than those preferred by boys.

“You can’t be what you can’t see.”

~Marian Wright Edelman

All children absorb the world in front of them and react to how that world receives and responds to them. As girls grow their dreams can diminish. Without a real world view of girls like them actually living those roles they aspire to, and without continuous inspiration and encouragement to realize their dreams they start to shed the belief that anything is possible for them. As girls move into their tween and teen years their confidence begins to decline considerably. This is influenced by expectations, both internal and external, including for too many an often very frightening world where hope and promise are hard to envision. Immersion in social media of course piles onto this as does popular culture which deliver a false narrative of what a girl’s world is supposed to be about. All this sets girls up with high expectations of what the world thinks of them and a building of doubt, causing girls to lose their hold on what is possible and what they want for themselves.

As girls grow they step away from “watch out I can do anything” to become “pleasers” looking to fulfill others expectations and wishes rather than their own. This impacts their emotional framework and of course their self image. The once strong belief in themselves wanes and girls lose their positive view of not only their abilities but also their bodies. Girls become vulnerable to peer pressure and bullying, and their once strong resilience and determination erodes. Without nurturing and reinforcement of their critical confidence, girls start to doubt and hold themselves back. They stop taking risks and instead strive for approval and perfection. They stop describing themselves as “fearless” ,“adventurous” and “strong”. A new vocabulary of doubt takes hold and all that great sense of “I can do anything” is often lost.

In fact, as Carol Dweck, the Stanford University psychologist observed “If life were one long grade school,” women “would be the undisputed rulers of the world. But life isn’t one long grade school.”

In their empowering book,The Confidence Code for Girls: Taking Risks, Messing Up, and Becoming Your Amazingly Imperfect, Totally Powerful Self, Claire Shipman,Katty Kay, and Jillellyn Riley explain that their research found that until the age of 12 there is almost no difference in confidence between boys and girls. By the age of 14,however, the average girl they found was far less confident than the average boy, and it is this decline in confidence that becomes the change factor that impacts their future.

“Confidence is an essential ingredient for turning thoughts into action, wishes into reality… confidence can perpetuate and multiply itself.”

~Claire Shipman

The significant decline in the confidence girls experience as they move into their teen years is not short term. If confidence is not fostered girls stop taking risks, stop believing in themselves and stop, as Shipman explains. “stockpiling confidence for the future….the confidence gender gap that opens at puberty often remains throughout adulthood.”

How do we help girls change this course? We need to ensure from the start that girls are not only shown but guided in the development of a real belief, and in very real ways, that they can live any life they can dream. Girls need to be supported, encouraged and educated to always! know their own power and to believe they can grow forward with a strong sense of self. When girls’ sense of self-esteem is not nurtured their belief in themselves, their self-doubt and ability to be empowered diminish significantly. Their emotional well being and choices they make for themselves is impacted negatively-very possibly for life.

How can we change the pattern? 1. It is imperative that all girls, especially those in the key tween and teen years, can see and celebrate real life models-not simply Instagram “celebrities”, but everyday women living roles that demonstrate there are no barriers. 2. Girls need to be consistently presented with, and immersed in. positive reading and popular culture experiences that help them truly imagine what is possible for them. 3. Girls need to be shown that it is OK to color outside the lines, in fact it can be pretty fun! 4. In order to really believe, girls need to have mentors and guides who will cheer them on, help them bounce back from adversity and disappointment and show them how to dust themselves off and get back out there and keep trying.

It is possible to help every girl to hold onto and continue to build upon their critical confidence. We need to show them that even if they fall they can bounce back up-and learn from the experience. .Girls need to know that no one is perfect, there is no perfect, and that is OK! They need to have the freedom to not get it right every time, and that is OK too. Taking a risk, even failing at something new, are opportunities to learn and should be applauded, otherwise girls retreat and play it too safe, perhaps forever. When we help girls to discover and learn about the women who have blazed trails, yesterday and today they can hold a mirror up. When we mentor and be their cheering section they can know someone believes in them, no matter what, even when the world may knock them back. It is possible for girls to reverse course as doubt sets in and keep building upon the confidence, boldness and determination they often have in abundance in their early years. Confidence is a muscle that is built and exercised, one that will serve every girl well as she steps into the world. So the next time you ask a little girl “What do you want to be when you grow up?” listen to her, encourage her, cheer her on, not just in the moment, but continuously, so she can keep believing that Yes! This Girl Can!…and She Will.